hi there followers that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time,

I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m fine. in treatment. saying goodbye to my eating disorder. beginning to like myself sometimes. starting to realize how fucking sick I really was.

I’ve realized that it isn’t your size that dictates how sick you are, that just shows how long you’ve been sick for, it’s your fear of living if you aren’t thin. I remember seeing no point in living if I wasn’t skinny. it was the only thing that I wanted in life. I stopped singing. stopped art-ing (if it wasn’t about my eating disorder). hated myself. my happiest moments were all robbed of true happiness because of my fear of being ‘fat’. well, fuck that! I’m not even fat so fuck all of this shit. I’m just trying to learn to be happy again because being skinny isn’t what makes you happy. you make you happy! 

I strongly urge any of you that are currently suffering to go get help, or open up about your ED to someone you trust because you deserve to be happy, rather than empty and soulless. 

there is truly so much more to life.

I wish you all good luck<3

yesterday, I got into a sorta fight with my best friend, and I didn’t want to deal with it so I went to the mall.

good news: I now fit into size 00, which is a first
bad news: I couldn’t stick to my liquid fast because froyo always makes me feel better :/

is it wrong that I’m in love with tumblr because it’s so fucking triggering?

it reminds me that I’m still fat and that I never wanted to get better. I didn’t ask for recovery. I never wanted it. I wanted to be so skinny and so frail. I wanted to look like touching me would shatter me. I wanted to look like the slightest breeze would blow me over. I wanted to look like I could barely open a fridge, that I don’t need to visit.

get me out of this fucking hell hole called treatment.

allow me to fucking weigh myself because right now I just want to die… the voice in my head says that I deserve to feel like shit and suffer because I’m disgusting. I don’t deserve the relief of death because then I would spend eternity fat. and I can’t let myself do that.

just get me out of treatment please!